JCR Committee: Russ Foster

2004–5: Bar Rep, LBGT Officer

As Bar Rep it's my rarely-done-well job to make sure the students and (rarely-seen) staff are happy with our little watering-hole. I work with the Hall Rep (despite what he says, I outrank him, and I'm more popular. In your face, Freeman!!) and my boss the Amenities Officer to try and make sure you're all reasonably well-fed and pleasantly inebriated during your time here. Suggestions and questions (mostly complaints) about the bar come to me, so if you want to whinge about the pre-Boer War upholstery, archaic jukebox selection, distant staff trundling along in their little worlds while people are trampling each other underfoot to get served, or if they've yet again forgotten to order more Stella, come find me. I'll listen with badly disguised good humour to your whines. Then give you a short reply consisting of two words (in which the latter is "off"), or suggesting into which bit of your anatomy you insert your complaint. I'm aiming to get a suggestions/comments book for the bar by next term, but rest assured, if I encounter the kind of comments in the Hall Rep's book (many from me), I will track you down and wreak vengeance. And no, I'm not considering turning the bar into a no-smoking zone, but I am considering repainting it. I need support, people! Seriously though, I'll do what I can about your suggestions/whatever, and if you do need me, you'll find me in there most nights, usually wearing ill-fitting crumpled shirts with little or no regard to fashion sense, propping up the end of the bar with similar losers (next to the evil-looking old guy who claims unconvincingly that he's too busy to serve drinks), or circling around keeping my minions in order and flexing my JCR muscle. So I shouldn't be too hard to get hold of.

I'm also LBGT Rep, which means I'm the one behind all those group emails you'll be getting next term. I'm also in charge of the highly technical task of putting up posters. Seriously though, my role in this respect is to ensure you've got someone to talk to. And I'm here for everyone - if you want to talk about LBGT, or if you're feeling a bit down, or homesick (which we all feel at some point!), come find me and I'll do everything humanly possible to cheer you up! I'll be in touch with all the students in the first few days, but if anyone wants to contact me before then, especially you Freshers reading this, feel free. Naturally, everything we discuss will remain completely confidential :)

The Bar Rep was conceived, born and educated in the shipyards of the distant and uncharted penal colony of Sunderland. As a result, he eats pease-pudding pies and pronounces "book" in a way no-one, even Geordies, can comprehend. His parents are a fireman and policewoman respectively, which gives him access to some very cool stuff (many in college have arrived back at their rooms to find the door blocked by unsettlingly convincing sticky tape bearing the warnings "Biohazard" or "Police line - do not cross") and ensures that instead of having to fork out for a taxi at the end of a night, he can get a lift home in a fire engine or police van. Which makes his drinking buddies very grateful and fellow taxi-queue patrons very jealous, especially if it's the fire engine! On no account refer to him as a Geordie as he will force you to listen as he explains the difference between Geordies and Mackems (which he is) at great length in his incomprehensible accent. Likewise, never get historical facts wrong as this will seriously annoy him! The Bar Rep studied at a marine college for two years - where he managed to break a lot of expensive machinery and somehow caused a fire in the toolshop - whilst simultaneously working as a call centre drone at Littlewoods to support his playboy lifestyle, before the combined forces of Cambridge University and the Student Loans Company honed in and crushed him. At Littlewoods he met his heart's desire (who has just graduated from Sunderland uni - hooray!) and a system of nineteenth-century computers powered by a hamster in a squeaky wheel, but most importantly, won pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey at TWO consecutive on-the-job Christmas parties, a fact of which he will be forever proud. Rusty has spent most of this rainy, foggy summer gazing over the men's Olympic diving, being rude to Littlewoods customers, and vainly attempting to live the high life on his weekly pittance. His favourite pastimes are playing Half-Life, watching endless loops of Futurama, and finding excuses to avoid work (an increasingly difficult challenge). His most despised activities are going to the gym, washing dishes, and visiting the bank (the most terrifying experience imaginable). His number one priority is to get a cat for the college, preferably a leopard or a tourist-hungry tiger. Rusty's parties are legendary throughout the college, as is his ability to repeatedly flood the shop below his room without being evicted. His favourite drinks are Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi & Lime, Mr Sheen, and the bizzare (and disturbingly expensive) "Jules Special", so please buy him some in the bar if and when you see him trying to fill up from the drip tray. And to round things off - his proudest accomplishment - managing to create this page without causing the University network to crash!

And finally, some Bar Rep wisdom:

>Alcohol may cause street furniture to appear in room. >Make friends with hopeless alcoholics - that way your drinking won't look as bad. >Before you go out drinking, always line your stomach first. Vodka or rum should do nicely. >Befriend the porcelain god. Most nights he will be your only true friend. >If you drink a pint of water before going to bed, it will come out in the bed. >Dinner is the best way of making your incurable alcoholism socially acceptable. >All good drinking games should end up in Casualty. >Drinking alone is ok so long as you can see imaginary people. >Low-alcohol drinks are about as fun as half having sex. >The most dangerous drink in the world is tea. Look at the state of people who ask for the price of a cuppa.

And enjoy the Matriculation dinner - it's a way of combining booze with a kamikaze attitude to your education.

Rusty :)